Wednesday, November 19, 2008

quirks. . . .

Quirk 1-
I've spent 10 years wanting to stop biting my nails, but i've yet to succeed.
Quirk 2-
My acute fear of failure and/or regret holds me back from doing and saying lots of things.
Quirk 3-
I really miss disney channel. Not the stuff that's on today, it's annoying. But i miss Even stevens, and all the shows in that era. maybe my real confession is that i was
in love with ren from that show. and i'll take it further and when i was younger i wished i
could be a freeskater like "brink" and be married to zenon girl of the twenty first
Quirk 4-
I sometimes worry that I would never have gotten to know some people with out having
Played guitar.
Quirk 5-
If my impulsive spontaneous side gets covered up or stifled, it will spontaneously
combust, and i'll do something like move to provo.
Quirk 6-
I want to live in new york for a while. But ultimately i want a country house, on a lot of property, with horses and my family.

I just wanted to post this and have it noted that there is something very wrong with this picture.... a very integral part is missing....

where... is.... jor- DAN?

lost in "Moan-tan-uh". will he make it home alive? will he make it home? is he... alive? am i alive? am i home? is my home alive? where's montana? is montana alive? is it home?

sorry. just one of those moments.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

meandering thoughts.

I have spent my days in meditation,
a certain form of recreation,
my minds tuned into the station...
that produces melancholy tunes.

i go and find a place to hide,
to swim in my conflicted mind,
try and find some peace inside...
why won't my thoughts just juxtapose.

there is no hope for linear thinking,
i can't help my focus sinking,
can't find sensible ways of linking,
a thousand untied knots.

trying to maintain my composure,
trying to find a little closure,
i'll keep looking thats for sure...
that time when it all makes sense.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Psalm Of Nephi

2 nephi 4:16-35

This is such beautiful writing! Everytime i read this i begin sincere introspection. I always feel that the questions that he is putting to himself, and also to his maker are so applicable to my own life. I feel the gratitude that he expresses in verses 20, 21, and 22. I understand his shame and panged recognition of guilt in 19 and 20. And in 27, 28, and 29 he declares new resolve to move forward from that moment more faithful and diligent, then after the emotion of the moment has passed he realizes that he'll need the lords help, and pleads for it. This is one of those passages that makes the Book of Mormon so real to me. For me these words are a naked insight into a man's soul. A man who lived thousands of years ago, but struggled with the same human emotions and struggles as me. I'm so grateful for this, and it influences me so much that i decided i'm going to memorize it. So i figured i'd share it with anyone who stopped by my blog :)

16 Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen

Thursday, October 23, 2008

conquering regret

regret is one of my greatest fears. I was haunted with it growing up, and on my mission i began not only to understand how to avoid it, but also how to deal with it a little. It's an ongoing process for sure. In the 6 weeks since i have been home i have already accumulated a reasonable amount of regret, but having read the church's counsel to not let it over whelm you, i looked to some of the bright minds of the world for a little feedback. These were some of my favorites, and i wanted to share.

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.
-Victoria Holt

Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; then can come the best of benedictions - 'If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all the same.'
Joan McIntosh

Success is meaningless if you can't sleep at night because of harsh things said, petty secrets sharpened against hard and stony regret, just waiting to be plunged into the soft underbelly of a 'friendship.'
Margaret Cho,

Never regret something that once made you smile.
Amber Deckers,

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
Sidney J. Harris

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in.
Katherine Mansfield

Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today, and you make your tomorrow.
L. Ron Hubbard

When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Alexander Graham Bell

The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret.
Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1856)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My request

Well. i've spoken in a couple wards now since i've been home. and in all of them i shared a poem that i had written. So i figured i'd put it on here, and give a little background about it.

I wrote this while i was in the mtc. I had been in for two weeks. It was a friday night and we had had a great devotional, and afterwards we got to watch a movie. The movie was "the lamb of god", and that one is always a tear-jerker for me. Towards the end of the movie i had all these words coming to my head, and i wanted so bad to write them, but i didn't have a pen or paper, we'd left them in the room after the fireside. So as soon as it ended i dragged my companion back to the room, asked for some quiet, and i wrote this in the twenty minutes before bed. Nothing ever came easier for me. The words were a well of strength and resolve during many points in my mission, and i never hesitate to share it with anyone who will listen. I feel that it captured the spirit of my mission, and of all missions, even before i had really gotten started, or comprehended what would happen!

my Lord,
i wasn't there,
to bear thy cross,
nor did i feel thy thorns,
the soldiers scorn,
fell on thy ears,
and not upon my own,

the whip that fell,
upon thy back,
was spared from marking mine,
thy hands and wrists,
where nails drove in,
left no scar,
on my own skin....

but i feel it from within,

My lord your pain,
suff'ring and strife,
the fact that you,
gave up your life,
will not fall on dead ears,
i'll pray for them, the people,
i'll serve them these two years,

i know there's one,
or maybe many,
who need thy hand, thy voice,
to lift them up, to tell them...
drink of my word, rejoice,

i'll extend my hand,
to those who doubt,
as the spirit speaks,
their hand will reach out,
the love they feel will all be thine,
the hand they clasp,
will not be mine...
as i teach them in thy stead.

i'll drink of thy words,
and live by thy teachings,
let the spirit guide me,
in thy preaching,
that they may feel,
the peace inside,
glory to him,
the crucified.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

this is a little poem i wrote when i was 16 (roughly) and i just found it, and i thought it was pretty cool i knew that i was a overwhelmed, and really stressed. i was a pretty deep little sucker.

if you know a way out,
im interested,
what im about?
i lack drive.
today a day,
a trek,
through the depths,
of my will,and self worth,
admitting defeat,
hasty retreat,
not likely,
giants oppress me
theyll slip, and will fall
i'll mock them
i'll laugh through it all
a giant,
the giants,
just rubble,

the further i run, the further i can run.